Hellboy II: The Golden Rehash

• Huge monster squirming around New York wreaking havok? Check
• Invincible army that's been locked away for a bajillion years and now someone is gonna use it? Check
• Little monsters that fly around and appear cute until some nobody comes up and says "Oh look, he's cute, he's not gonna hurt us" then the little monster bares its teeth and rips the guy's head off? Check
• Underground black market with all sorts of colorful characters and bizarre goods? Check
• White skinned elf types with white contact lenses just like the characters from Guillermo's Blade movies? Check
• Misanthropic smartass main character who is impervious to verbal attacks by damsels or physcial ones by villains, and uses big guns like Will Smith and acts like him too [in Men In Black]? Check
• Tin Man type character who just wants someone to love and relate to? Check

I enjoyed Hellboy II: The Golden Army. It was a lot of fun and exciting and beautiful to look at, but it had almost nothing I hadn't seen before. Whether it be rips from Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, National Treasure, The Mummy, Cloverfield/The Host, or Guillermo's previous endeavors, I just found myself yawning at the scenes I'd seen before again and again.

Many people will credit Guillermo Del Toro with his visionary creativity and inspired art direction in movies like Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth, but this in it of itself does not equate to a good film. The creatures of Hellboy II were unique and refreshing, but put those creatures in environments and plots I've seen a hundred times before, and it adds up to nothing for me. I'll give credit where credit is due (in the art department), but the story department was surely lacking.

All the reviews I'm reading say "ooh la la look at lil Guillermo I haven't seen creatures like that since the Cantina scene from Star Wars a while back". Yes, the creatures were very original, but thats exactly what I expected from Del Toro. After seeing Pan's Labyrinth, I was disgusted [in a good way] at some of the creatures he cooked up. Among them the "skin man" with the eyes on his hands. I found the lack of eyes on the facial area very cool, and terrifiying, and it definitely challenged the way I think about animals and evolution. Ok, interesting. But then here comes Guillermo's next movie. I thought the Angel of Death (pictured above) in Hellboy II looked awesome, but I'm starting to think that among other things, the "eyes on the hands/wings" trick is all Guillermo's got. He invents weird shaped creatures and apparently expects that the sum of all his bizarre creatures will add up to a solid film. Apparently the critics agree. Del Toro's directing is excellent, but without a real story I'm not sold.

The funniest part about all of it is that before Hellboy, a trailer rolled for the new Mummy movie and sure enough in it too there is some crazy millenia-old army that is going to be revived by Jet Li. The special effects look stunning, but that's where the depth of it ends, it appears.